If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
You don't have to understand to be understanding.
Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
Teacher: "You failed the test." - Student:"You failed to educate."
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.
Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.
If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
Some people should be high-fived...in the face.
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.
