If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
It's not how much you love someone that matters, it's how much you make them feel loved.
I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.
You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
Fight poverty. Throw stones at beggers.
God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....
Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.
I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.
Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.