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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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Everything will be alright in the end, if its not alright, its not the end.

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It's hard to answer "what's wrong", when nothing is right...

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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.

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Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.

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Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.

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Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?

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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

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That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...

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When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.

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Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.

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If they dont chase you when you walk away....keep walking.