If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?
People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)
I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
When I'm always in my room; parents complain. When I go out; parents complain.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.
Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
There's no such thing as good girls gone bad, only bad girls found out.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
You can spend your life avoiding your dreams, but everynight you go to sleep.
Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.
Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
Haters hate because they are what you ain't.
Haters make you famous.
