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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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True friends stab you in the front!

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I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.

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I'm invisible, can you see me? Yeah? How about tomorrow night?

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

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Boys will break your heart, Real men will pick up the pieces.

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Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.

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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.

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I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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Who you are, who you want to be, and who you once were can be three different people.

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A girl looks at what a man drives. A woman looks at what drives a man.

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If you can't beat them, taze them.

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Don't make time for people who can't make time for you.

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So you're the bitch that told the bitch that I'm a bitch well listen bitch it takes a bitch to know a bitch, bitch.

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Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.

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He who laughs last didn't get it.