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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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Its the scars that can't be seen that take the longest to heal.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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Don't hate me because I'm better than you, hate yourself because you're not as good as me.

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Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.

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I eat problems, then shit out success.

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Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!

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Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.

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Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

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The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.

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I will love you until the end. If you feel that I don't love you, this is just the beginning.

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If you can't be a good example then at least be a horrible warning.

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Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.

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People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.

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Don't judge a book by its movie.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.