If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.
I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.
If it put a smile on my face, there is no reason to regret.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.
If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?
A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.
Haters hate because they are what you ain't.
It's not how much you love someone that matters, it's how much you make them feel loved.
You can't buy love....but you pay heavily for it.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
