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Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

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The world is full of guys, be a man.

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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."

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Your character is more accurately determined by what you say about others behind their backs.

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I am not good at giving advice, but can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

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Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.

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You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.

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I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.

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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

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There's no such thing as good girls gone bad, only bad girls found out.

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F that B.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

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Don't wait for anybody to complete you.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.