Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.
When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
I study for minutes and take breaks for hours.
I am not good at giving advice, but can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Life is to SHORT, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.
Roses are red. Violets are blue! Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
Man: created by God, destroyed by a women.
Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.
Annoying moment: When you decide to be angry at someone for a week and the next morning, the anger you felt so strong, disappears.
Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
The world needs less people that judge and more people that love.
I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.
Off; the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
