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The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.

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If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.

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If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.

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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

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There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.

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It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.

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Boys will break your heart, Real men will pick up the pieces.

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Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.

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You're never too old to learn something stupid.

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Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.

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A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.

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The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.

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Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

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If you're lucky enough to be different, never change.

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I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.