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Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.

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You look at them. They look at you. You look away. Awkward.

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.

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I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.

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Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.

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I eat problems, then shit out success.

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.

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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.

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Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?

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To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!

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It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.