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Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.

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Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.

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The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.

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I want a person who comes into my life by accident, but stays on purpose.

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I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.

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I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.

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I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.

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Boobs. That's all, just like this if you like boobs.

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I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

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Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.

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Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.

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I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?

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It's hard to answer "what's wrong", when nothing is right...

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11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.

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Cockiness is just confidence without confidence.