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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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Perception is everything.

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Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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Life's not a bitch, you're the bitch because your not trying hard enough.

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Some take the bait, others reel it in.

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The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.

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When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.

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My life without you would be like a broken pencil. Pointless.

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Life isn't about staying dry, it's about learning how to play in the rain.

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Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.

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No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

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Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

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Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard

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Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.

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Light up the world with your smile, because you never know who might be stuck somewhere dark.

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.