My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.
If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!
I study for minutes and take breaks for hours.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
You can spend your life avoiding your dreams, but everynight you go to sleep.
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.
You know you love her when people think you're crazy.
If you're good at something, don't do it for free.
It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.
I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.
