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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

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Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.

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Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.

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The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.

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Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.

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Wherever you go, there you are.

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I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?

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Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.

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Once upon a time, there was a boy and girl who loved each other. Then a slut came and ruined everything. The end.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.

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Love needs to get glasses.

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Some take the bait, others reel it in.