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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

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Me: *sneeze* Class: *silence*. Popular girl: *sneeze* Class: God bless you amazing and lovely sweetheart.

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Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.

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If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.

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Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.

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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.

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I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.

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People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

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The world needs less people that judge and more people that love.

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I would love you if love meant the complete opposite of what it means today.

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Your actions are speaking so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.

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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.

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Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.

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Winners don't wait for chances, they grab them.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.