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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.

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A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.

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If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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The world needs less people that judge and more people that love.

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True friends stab you in the front!

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That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.