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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

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Fight poverty. Throw stones at beggers.

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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

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I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.

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You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.

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My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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I would love you if love meant the complete opposite of what it means today.

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Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.

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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

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I will love you until the end. If you feel that I don't love you, this is just the beginning.

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Playing comes first, you can work later.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

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Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?

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I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.

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Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.

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Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."

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There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.