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It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.

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Your a boy, I'm a girl. So tell me again why we aren't dating?

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If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

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I'm not spoiled, I'm just well taken care of.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.

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Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.

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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.

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If you got haters, you must be doing something right.

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I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.

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Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.

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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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If you're lucky enough to be different, never change.

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I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.

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Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."