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It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.

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Cool story bro, changed my life.

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I put the laughter in manslaughter.

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Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.

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When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.

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We always start with completing the difficult. It just takes us a little longer to do the impossible.

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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

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Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right man to see it.

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Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'