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My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.

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Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge, trust me, it hurts less.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.

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If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.

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Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?

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You need over 60 muscles to look angry and less then 10 to smile, so why tire yourself?

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I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.

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It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.

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Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?

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Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.

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If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.