My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.
If you can't beat them, taze them.
The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If there was only woman ruling the word there would be no wars. Just a bunch of countries jealous of each other.
Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.
A pretty girl is nothing with an ugly attitude.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.
Until a man finds something to die for, he has nothing to live for.
It's weird not to be weird.
If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
