Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.
I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.
Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.
Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
Don't let the world change your smile, let your smile change the world.
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.
.sdrawkcab siht daer uoy edam I
Believe in yourself. If you don't, then no one else will have a reason to.
The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.
