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Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.

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Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

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The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.

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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

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I need a six month holiday, twice a year.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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Make money, don't let it make you.

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Mario: An Italian plumber that was created by Japanese people, who speaks English, but looks like a Mexican.

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If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.

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You are not a winner, just the last loser standing.

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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

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If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?

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You can hold on to a person but not a relationship.

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Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?

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That sad moment when you find an old conversation between you and someone you don't talk to anymore.

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Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

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Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a spider web you suddenly become a ninja?