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Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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True friends stab you in the front!

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You don't need some one to complete you, you just need someone to accept you completely...

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If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.

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Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.

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Perception is everything.

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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

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What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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Mario: An Italian plumber that was created by Japanese people, who speaks English, but looks like a Mexican.

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If being sexy were against the law you'd be guilty as charged.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.

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The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.

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Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!

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You're never too old to learn something stupid.