I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.
Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
Cool story bro, changed my life.
Wild hearts can't be broken.
If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Dreams lift when reality falls.
The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.
If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.
