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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.

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That awkward moment when sluts wear clothes.

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Fall in love with my mind.

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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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Haters are just confused admirers.

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My life without you would be like a broken pencil. Pointless.

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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Your a boy, I'm a girl. So tell me again why we aren't dating?

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If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.

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Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

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When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

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Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.

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Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

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It isn't till you've lost everything that you are free to do anything.

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I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.