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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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If you're lucky enough to be different, never change.

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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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True friends aren't bought, they are earned.

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Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.

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I will love you until the end. If you feel that I don't love you, this is just the beginning.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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You can spend your life avoiding your dreams, but everynight you go to sleep.

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.

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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

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How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.

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I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.

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Love is just a word, until someone comes along and gives it meaning.

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If they dont chase you when you walk away....keep walking.