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I hate people who are lazy. They're so lazy, they don't even finish their own

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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Playing comes first, you can work later.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.

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Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."

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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.

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Fall in love with my mind.

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places

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Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.

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I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.

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Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.

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That awkward moment when sluts wear clothes.

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Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.

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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

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You don't need some one to complete you, you just need someone to accept you completely...

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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.