When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
Make money, don't let it make you.
Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard
My life without you would be like a broken pencil. Pointless.
It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
Be positive for no reason.
Annoying moment: When you decide to be angry at someone for a week and the next morning, the anger you felt so strong, disappears.
Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
Everybody spread positivity.
Wherever you go, there you are.
In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.
I am not good at giving advice, but can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Love needs to get glasses.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.
The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
I eat problems, then shit out success.
