When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
Those who live by the sword are bound to be shot by those who don't.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.
Don't like me? Take a seat with the rest of the bitches waiting for me to give a fuck
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.
Sleep, hugs, kisses, love, friends, family, memories, smiles, laughter, fun... the best things in life are free.
You need over 60 muscles to look angry and less then 10 to smile, so why tire yourself?
It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
A girl looks at what a man drives. A woman looks at what drives a man.
Nice guys finish last, that is because they put their girls first.
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.
Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
