When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.
Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.
If your not going to win the argument, lie.
I want to go to Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the company.
Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.
If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman who learns her place.
