When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.
Girls are like aspirin. I take two and go to bed.
Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
Patience gets you everywhere on time.
Once upon a time, there was a boy and girl who loved each other. Then a slut came and ruined everything. The end.
The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.
You're only as good as your last game.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge, trust me, it hurts less.
Gravity is not the reason why people fall in love.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
