When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
It's better to be the owner of your silence than the slave of your words.
When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.
Love always costs more than you can afford, but its always worth the price.
I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.
Shit happens bro. Now get over it.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.
My life without you would be like a broken pencil. Pointless.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
If you're lucky enough to be different, never change.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too, bitch.
I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
