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When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.

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I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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Good things don't always have to come to an end.

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.

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Annoying moment: When you decide to be angry at someone for a week and the next morning, the anger you felt so strong, disappears.

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Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.

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Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.

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NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

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If it put a smile on my face, there is no reason to regret.

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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.