When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.
Right things happen at the wrong time if you wait for them to happen.
"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.
Don't wait for anybody to complete you.
The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.
You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.
Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.
You got enemies, good that means you stood up for something.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
