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When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.

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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

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I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.

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Light up the world with your smile, because you never know who might be stuck somewhere dark.

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I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

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From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.

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Don't tell me the rules if you can't even play the game.

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Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

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Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

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I need a six month holiday, twice a year.

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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.

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I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.

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Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.

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Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".