Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.
If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?
When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.
The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
Take it easy, give it hard.
I am not good at giving advice, but can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.
Be man enough to accept the consequences, be child enough to do it anyway.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
S_CCESS can't be complete without U.
Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.
I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.
