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You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.

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My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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If being sexy were against the law you'd be guilty as charged.

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Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.

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Just because your smart doesn't mean your wise.

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.

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I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...

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Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.

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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?

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I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.

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If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?

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I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.