You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Shit happens bro. Now get over it.
Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.
Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday.
People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.
How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?
I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.
Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)
A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.
I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.
So you're the bitch that told the bitch that I'm a bitch well listen bitch it takes a bitch to know a bitch, bitch.
