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You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.

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Forget it enough to get over it, remember it enough so it doesnt happen again.

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Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.

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Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.

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I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.

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The awkward moment when someones yelling at you and your desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

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True friends stab you in the front!

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.

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You don't need some one to complete you, you just need someone to accept you completely...

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.

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Regret lasts longer than fear.