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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

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You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.

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My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

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Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

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The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.

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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...

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He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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F that B.

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Got an issue? Get a tissue.

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Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.

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I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.

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The last thing I want to do is die.