Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".
WORRY looks around. REGRET looks back. FAITH looks forward.
I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.
You cannot fathom the amount of fuck I do not give.
If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.
If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
Testing boys by not responding to their txts to see if they'll txt you again.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.
