Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
So you're the bitch that told the bitch that I'm a bitch well listen bitch it takes a bitch to know a bitch, bitch.
Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.
I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.
Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.
I put the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.
Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.
Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
