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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.

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Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.

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I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.

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In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.

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This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.

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I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."

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Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.

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There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

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When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".

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If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman who learns her place.

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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.

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Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.

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The lottery: voluntary taxation.

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God made Heaven and Earth, the rest was made in China.