Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.
If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?
Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.
Good things don't always have to come to an end.
You can hold on to a person but not a relationship.
We put the "us" in trust, baby.
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
History always has a way of repeating itself, bad or good, a perfect circle.
Your character is more accurately determined by what you say about others behind their backs.
Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I most need it.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
