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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

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Man: created by God, destroyed by a women.

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That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.

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An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.

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The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.

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The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.

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A pretty girl is nothing with an ugly attitude.

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I want a person who comes into my life by accident, but stays on purpose.

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Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.

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Good things don't always have to come to an end.

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The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.

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I know the beginning and end of this book but what shapes life are the chapters between.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.