Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.
You need over 60 muscles to look angry and less then 10 to smile, so why tire yourself?
KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you're middle finger HIGHER.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
True friends aren't bought, they are earned.
Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.
Don't make time for people who can't make time for you.
A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.
It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.
That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.
Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
You do not learn anything by doing everything right.
Don't punish the man in front of you for the mistakes made by the man behind you.
If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?
The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
