I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.
We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
You got enemies, good that means you stood up for something.
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
I eat problems, then shit out success.
The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.
Don't look back. You'll miss what's in front of you.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
