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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".

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Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.

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Winners don't wait for chances, they grab them.

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You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.

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I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."

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I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

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Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.

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In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.

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The lottery: voluntary taxation.

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Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.

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Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

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I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.

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I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...

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Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.