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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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If being sexy were against the law you'd be guilty as charged.

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Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.

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Dreams lift when reality falls.

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It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.

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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.

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I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.

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Don't like me? Take a seat with the rest of the bitches waiting for me to give a fuck

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!

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It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.

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Once upon a time, there was a boy and girl who loved each other. Then a slut came and ruined everything. The end.

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I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.

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What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'

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You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.

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Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".