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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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You cannot fathom the amount of fuck I do not give.

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You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.

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I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.

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Nice shoes! Wanna screw?

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.

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Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.

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Don't wait for anybody to complete you.

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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

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May the bridges I burn today, light the path tomorrow.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.

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I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.

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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.

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Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.