WORRY looks around. REGRET looks back. FAITH looks forward.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.
You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.
The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.
Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.
Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.
Fight poverty. Throw stones at beggers.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.
Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.
It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.
Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday.
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
