WORRY looks around. REGRET looks back. FAITH looks forward.
Behind every girls favorite song, is an untold story.
I eat problems, then shit out success.
Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.
Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.
Everybody spread positivity.
My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.
Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?
The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.
You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.
Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
