Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
You look at them. They look at you. You look away. Awkward.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Boobs. That's all, just like this if you like boobs.
Immaturity keeps me young.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
It's weird not to be weird.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
