Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?
Nice shoes! Wanna screw?
When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.
A relationship with NO TRUST is like a car with no gasoline. You can stay in it all you want but it won't go anywhere.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.
Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Life is not what you take of it, but what you make of it.
