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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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We put the "us" in trust, baby.

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It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.

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That sad moment when you find an old conversation between you and someone you don't talk to anymore.

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Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.

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Be positive for no reason.

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Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.

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You can be worthless to someone, but priceless to another.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.

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Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places

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The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.

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Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?

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Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.

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I'm not spoiled, I'm just well taken care of.