I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
You know you love her when people think you're crazy.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
If your not going to win the argument, lie.
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.
Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.
Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I want to go to Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the company.
If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.
If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.
This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".
