I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Everybody is a student for life.
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.
I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.
Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.
I'm killing time, waiting for time to kill me.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.
Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.
A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.
Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.
Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
