When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".
Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.
Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.
I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.
Winners don't wait for chances, they grab them.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.
May the bridges I burn today, light the path tomorrow.
I can only endure saying goodbye because saying hello again will be all the sweeter.
A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
Don't make time for people who can't make time for you.
The word 'studying' was made up of two words originally - 'students dying'.
Some take the bait, others reel it in.
