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When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.

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If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?

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The smile is every woman's sexiest curve.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.

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I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

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You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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If there was only woman ruling the word there would be no wars. Just a bunch of countries jealous of each other.

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When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.

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Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.

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Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.

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Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".