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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.

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True friends stab you in the front!

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

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There's no such thing as good girls gone bad, only bad girls found out.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

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Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.

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Wherever you go, there you are.

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Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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It's not how much you love someone that matters, it's how much you make them feel loved.

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Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.

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Life is not what you take of it, but what you make of it.

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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

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Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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Aspire to inspire before you expire.