We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.
Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.
I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?
I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Be positive for no reason.
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
Make money, don't let it make you.
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.
Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.
