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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

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Life is not what you take of it, but what you make of it.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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Behind every girls favorite song, is an untold story.

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Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.

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Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

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Don't hate me because I'm better than you, hate yourself because you're not as good as me.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.

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Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.

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Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.

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Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.

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If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

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Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.