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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.

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I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.

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Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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Regret lasts longer than fear.

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Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.

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Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

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After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.

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Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.

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You don't have to understand to be understanding.

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.

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I swear to drunk I'm not god.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

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The sacrifice of hiding in the light is living with your shadows.

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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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You're never too old to learn something stupid.

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Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.