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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

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A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.

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I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.

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If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!

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Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.

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You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.

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Light up the world with your smile, because you never know who might be stuck somewhere dark.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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Fight poverty. Throw stones at beggers.

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Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.

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The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.

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Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.

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Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.