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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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God made Heaven and Earth, the rest was made in China.

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Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.

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Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.

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Some people should be high-fived...in the face.

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It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.

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People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.

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Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.

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Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?

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Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?

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Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.

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Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.

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Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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The notion that you feel my pain is extremely uncertain. You have to apply the experience and pain of my life in order to come to this road.

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Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.

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If you were a transformer you would be a hot-obot called Optimus Fine.