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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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May the bridges I burn today, light the path tomorrow.

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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

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Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.

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Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?

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Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.

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If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.

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Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.

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I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

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When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.

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You don't have to understand to be understanding.

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When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.

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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.