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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.

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I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.

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I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.

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Good things don't always have to come to an end.

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When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.

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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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Don't make time for people who can't make time for you.

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Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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If she talks to you about everyone then she must talk to everyone about you.

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I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.

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Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.

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Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a spider web you suddenly become a ninja?

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Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?