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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.

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Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.

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Life's not a bitch, you're the bitch because your not trying hard enough.

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I put the laughter in manslaughter.

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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

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Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!

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Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.

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I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.

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"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

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He who laughs last didn't get it.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.

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Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.