Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?
No one said it would be easy but I'm saying it's going to be worth it.
Off; the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.
If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.
My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.
Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.
Face your problems, don't facebook them.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.
