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It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

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Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.

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You can't buy love....but you pay heavily for it.

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Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.

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Cool story bro. Needs more dragons.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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We just have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in our hearts....even if they don't stay in our lives.

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.

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Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.

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Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.

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I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.

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"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."

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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.