I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.
Don't hate me because I'm better than you, hate yourself because you're not as good as me.
If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.
Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
Two things I hate the most: (1) The new lover of an EX (2) The EX of a new lover.
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.
In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.
Nice shoes! Wanna screw?
If being sexy were against the law you'd be guilty as charged.
You can hold on to a person but not a relationship.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!
I'm not a nerd, I'm just smarter then you.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.
If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.
