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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.

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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

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It's weird not to be weird.

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I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.

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I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.

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A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.

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You don't need some one to complete you, you just need someone to accept you completely...

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I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

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Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right man to see it.

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When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.

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I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

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I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?

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Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.

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Boys will break your heart, Real men will pick up the pieces.

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Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."

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My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.