I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
It's weird not to be weird.
I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
You don't need some one to complete you, you just need someone to accept you completely...
I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right man to see it.
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
Boys will break your heart, Real men will pick up the pieces.
Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.
"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."
My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.