I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Be man enough to accept the consequences, be child enough to do it anyway.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.
I need a six month holiday, twice a year.
That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.
I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face
I'm invisible, can you see me? Yeah? How about tomorrow night?
If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.
Love is just a word, until someone comes along and gives it meaning.
To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.
Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.
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