I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.
It's weird not to be weird.
Cool story bro, changed my life.
The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?
If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?
Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.
Off; the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.
I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
Say what you mean and mean what you say because the people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter.
I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.
We put the "us" in trust, baby.
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