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Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.

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You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.

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I study for minutes and take breaks for hours.

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Girls are like aspirin. I take two and go to bed.

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The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.

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When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.

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I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

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Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right man to see it.

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If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.

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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.

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Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.

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My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.

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This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".