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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.

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New anti depressant for lesbians... Trycoxagain

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The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.

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I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.

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Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.

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Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.

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You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."

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When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.

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I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you.

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Life isn't about staying dry, it's about learning how to play in the rain.

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Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.

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Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

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Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.

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Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.