I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
The word 'studying' was made up of two words originally - 'students dying'.
The last thing I want to do is die.
If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman who learns her place.
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?
You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Life is not what you take of it, but what you make of it.
Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
