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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.

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So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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If she talks to you about everyone then she must talk to everyone about you.

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No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

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Forget it enough to get over it, remember it enough so it doesnt happen again.

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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.

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You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.

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After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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A relationship with NO TRUST is like a car with no gasoline. You can stay in it all you want but it won't go anywhere.

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Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.

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You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

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Negativity is poison for the soul.

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.