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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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New anti depressant for lesbians... Trycoxagain

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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We always start with completing the difficult. It just takes us a little longer to do the impossible.

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Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.

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Everybody spread positivity.

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Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.

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Cool story bro. Needs more dragons.

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A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.

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The last thing I want to do is die.

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Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."

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Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.

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You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

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Got an issue? Get a tissue.

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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."

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If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.