I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
You cannot fathom the amount of fuck I do not give.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Be positive for no reason.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Don't punish the man in front of you for the mistakes made by the man behind you.
Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
If at first you don't succeed..... CHEAT!
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.
We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.
Sleep, hugs, kisses, love, friends, family, memories, smiles, laughter, fun... the best things in life are free.
After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.
I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
