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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning not repeating.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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May the bridges I burn today, light the path tomorrow.

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You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

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My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.

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If she talks to you about everyone then she must talk to everyone about you.

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Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.