Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.
Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.
When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."
Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.
A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.
If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.
Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.
Auto-correct can kiss my ask.
A girl looks at what a man drives. A woman looks at what drives a man.
Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard
Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.
Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?
