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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.

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It is true that there is no "I" in team. But there is an "I" in win.

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Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.

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You got enemies, good that means you stood up for something.

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Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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Boobs. That's all, just like this if you like boobs.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.

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Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.

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I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

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So you're the bitch that told the bitch that I'm a bitch well listen bitch it takes a bitch to know a bitch, bitch.