Don't hate me because I'm better than you, hate yourself because you're not as good as me.
It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.
Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.
If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?
Most people are still alive because its illegal to shoot them.
Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.
You can't define love, but love can define you.
I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.
The notion that you feel my pain is extremely uncertain. You have to apply the experience and pain of my life in order to come to this road.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.
You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...
I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
