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Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

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Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.

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I am not afraid of death, it's just that I prefer not to be there when it happens.

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You'll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.

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I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.

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In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.

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Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

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The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.