Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
"Dude, that song is old." Sorry, I didn't notice the expiry date.
Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
Cool story bro. Needs more dragons.
I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.
Sadly some boys think of girls as books; If the cover doesn't catch their eye they don't bother to read whats inside.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
We just have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in our hearts....even if they don't stay in our lives.
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.
Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.
There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.
It isn't till you've lost everything that you are free to do anything.
I really need you to, put the camera down and step away from the mirror.
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?
I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.
