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Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning not repeating.

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I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.

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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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Negativity is poison for the soul.

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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.

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Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.

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Wherever you go, there you are.

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Be man enough to accept the consequences, be child enough to do it anyway.

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If at first you don't succeed..... CHEAT!

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Don't punish the man in front of you for the mistakes made by the man behind you.

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I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.

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Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.

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Got an issue? Get a tissue.

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Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.

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The word 'studying' was made up of two words originally - 'students dying'.