Roses are red. Violets are blue! Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
Regret lasts longer than fear.
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.
I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face
I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.
You can hold on to a person but not a relationship.
11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.
If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.
