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Roses are red. Violets are blue! Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.

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The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.

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Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.

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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....

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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.

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Right things happen at the wrong time if you wait for them to happen.

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I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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Never count on tomorrow because it may forget to show up.

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You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.

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Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.

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I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.