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A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.

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Until a man finds something to die for, he has nothing to live for.

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A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.

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I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.

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Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.

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So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"

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I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?

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You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

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Me: *sneeze* Class: *silence*. Popular girl: *sneeze* Class: God bless you amazing and lovely sweetheart.

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God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.

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Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.

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Short answers silent treatment not smiling = You did something wrong.

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The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.

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Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.