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A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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True friends stab you in the front!

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Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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Mario: An Italian plumber that was created by Japanese people, who speaks English, but looks like a Mexican.

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Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.

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You can't define love, but love can define you.

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Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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Love is calling back regardless of how many times they hangup on you.

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Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.

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Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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Two things I hate the most: (1) The new lover of an EX (2) The EX of a new lover.

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Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.

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If we only attempt that which we are capable of doing, we will never grow.