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A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)

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He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.

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It's hard to answer "what's wrong", when nothing is right...

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Born to be different, like everyone else.

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Don't punish the man in front of you for the mistakes made by the man behind you.

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.

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Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.

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The world is full of guys, be a man.

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If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.

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Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?

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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.

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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.

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I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.