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A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

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Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.

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He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.

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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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Everybody is a student for life.

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When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.

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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.

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Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.

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When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.

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It's hard to answer "what's wrong", when nothing is right...

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Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

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.sdrawkcab siht daer uoy edam I

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Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.