A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
The world needs less people that judge and more people that love.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
That awkward moment when it's not okay after an apology.
Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
If we only attempt that which we are capable of doing, we will never grow.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?
I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.
Life's not a bitch, you're the bitch because your not trying hard enough.
I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
