A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."
Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.
I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.
If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.
It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.
The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.
When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.
"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.
The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.
Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
