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A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

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Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.

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Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

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Ohh, that sounds kinda harsh. I better add a 'lol'.

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I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...

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If your not going to win the argument, lie.

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Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.

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We always start with completing the difficult. It just takes us a little longer to do the impossible.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.

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Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.

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Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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Short answers silent treatment not smiling = You did something wrong.

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When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.

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When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

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If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.