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A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

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When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.

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You don't need some one to complete you, you just need someone to accept you completely...

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".

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I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.

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Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!

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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a spider web you suddenly become a ninja?

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I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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I swear to drunk I'm not god.

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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.