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A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

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If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?

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Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

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Aspire to inspire before you expire.

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When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.

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It's better to be the owner of your silence than the slave of your words.

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You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.

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Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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Haters make you famous.

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Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.

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Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.

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Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.