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I can only endure saying goodbye because saying hello again will be all the sweeter.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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Right things happen at the wrong time if you wait for them to happen.

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A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.

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If they dont chase you when you walk away....keep walking.

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Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.

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When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."

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I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.

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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

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I hate people who are lazy. They're so lazy, they don't even finish their own

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Forget it enough to get over it, remember it enough so it doesnt happen again.

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Those who live by the sword are bound to be shot by those who don't.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.

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Believe in yourself. If you don't, then no one else will have a reason to.

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When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.