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I can only endure saying goodbye because saying hello again will be all the sweeter.

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

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It's weird not to be weird.

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The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.

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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

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Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?

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Winners do what other people won't.

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Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

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If you can't be a good example then at least be a horrible warning.

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You know you love her when people think you're crazy.

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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.

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I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.

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Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.

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Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.