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I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.

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Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.

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Don't let the world change your smile, let your smile change the world.

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Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.

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A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

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How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.

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Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?

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You can't define love, but love can define you.

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Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.

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I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

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Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.

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Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.

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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.

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Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."

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You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

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I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.

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I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.