I'm not spoiled, I'm just well taken care of.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.
My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.
I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.
Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.
Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.
When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".
You don't have to understand to be understanding.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Immaturity keeps me young.
Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
You cannot fathom the amount of fuck I do not give.
The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.
It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.
I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.
Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
