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I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.

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It is true that there is no "I" in team. But there is an "I" in win.

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.

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Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.

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I study for minutes and take breaks for hours.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.

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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

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Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

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May the bridges I burn today, light the path tomorrow.

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

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From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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Right things happen at the wrong time if you wait for them to happen.

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Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you.

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Lifes a bitch....so when life sucks just sit back and enjoy the head.

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Sadly some boys think of girls as books; If the cover doesn't catch their eye they don't bother to read whats inside.

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Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.

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Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.