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I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.

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Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.

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Two things I hate the most: (1) The new lover of an EX (2) The EX of a new lover.

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Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.

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When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.

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True friends aren't bought, they are earned.

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You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.

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Regret lasts longer than fear.

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Aspire to inspire before you expire.

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Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.

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I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.

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I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.

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Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.