I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.
Short answers silent treatment not smiling = You did something wrong.
Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
Auto-correct can kiss my ask.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I'm invisible, can you see me? Yeah? How about tomorrow night?
The awkward moment when someones yelling at you and your desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
Perception is everything.
God made Heaven and Earth, the rest was made in China.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The last thing I want to do is die.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too, bitch.
KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you're middle finger HIGHER.
Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.
Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.
