I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.
I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Be positive for no reason.
I eat problems, then shit out success.
To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.
Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
Nice guys finish last, that is because they put their girls first.
Cockiness is just confidence without confidence.
Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.
Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
