He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.
You live and you learn.
Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.
I'm invisible, can you see me? Yeah? How about tomorrow night?
If being sexy were against the law you'd be guilty as charged.
.sdrawkcab siht daer uoy edam I
If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.
If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.
You know you love her when people think you're crazy.
If you can't beat them, taze them.
The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.
F that B.
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
