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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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Shit happens bro. Now get over it.

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Haters make you famous.

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I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.

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Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.

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If being sexy were against the law you'd be guilty as charged.

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It takes more energy to look back than to look forward into the future.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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Don't tell me the rules if you can't even play the game.

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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.

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Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

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I want to go to Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the company.

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I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.

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F that B.

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Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.